Healing Motherhood

Here I am again walking through miscarriage, this is my fourth now. I don’t even really know how far along I was this time, I found out on a Saturday morning and miscarried Monday evening. I can’t have been too far along though since it has so far been very similar to my first two early losses. Both happened around 5-6 weeks. I had just taken a test because I got this feeling that I needed to; every time I’ve had that feeling I have gotten a positive result. I have now lost 2 out of 3 of those positives, one at almost 11 weeks and now this one around what I would guess to be about 4 weeks.

I am blessed to have 1 child earthside though. I am incredibly blessed to have a baby boy in my arms, I know the relief that comes with getting through the first trimester and getting to 41 weeks and being able to give birth and have a breathing baby on my chest. I also know the fear, anger, and seemingly bottomless grief that comes with the opposite of the above.

This year may have been my second Mother’s Day with a baby in my arms but I’ve been a Mother since 2014 when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I lost that baby only a week later. I had many tell me that it was a relief, a bullet dodged; I was too young at 20 to become a Mother so it was for the better. I was even told it wasn’t even really like I lost a baby because it was so early in the pregnancy. Just because I did not carry to term or give birth or get to hold that baby does not mean I wasn’t a Mother. I became a Mother as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

The grief of that loss sent me into a deep depressive episode. I had known grief before but that was my first experience with the kind of sorrow that cuts to the bone and feels as though pieces of you are being stripped away and you may never get them back but you can’t find it in yourself to care because that part of you is already gone. I honestly don’t remember much from that time; the day to day life is all one black hole but I know I got through it with the help of Jesus (didn’t know it then though, but that’s a story for another post). At the time I just thought what everyone says about time healing all wounds was what happened. That was a bunch of bull pucky, time does nothing. I had just learned to repress it all. I shut out every emotion and made the mistake of believing that I was over it; I’ve used this method time and time again for many things, every time it has blown up in my face months or sometimes years later. It deeply affected the intimacy in my marriage, and by intimacy I don’t just mean sex. I mean we lost the ability to really talk to each other, everything was surface level and if it went further it turned into a fight.

I’m still healing from the damage of repressing the loss of my babies. I’ve even let myself believe I had given all that trauma, grief, and depression to Jesus but my innermost being didn’t trust that He could take it, that it could be that easy. I see now that at least for the moment it’s not necessarily that easy. I have to remind myself to keep choosing to let Him have it, or rather to keep it. Keep trusting Him with my babies and my heart. He is the only one I can trust with my babies because they are ultimately His and He grieved their loss with me just as deeply as I did. He held my hand through it all; I may not have known He was there with me when they happened through all three of my previous ones but He was there nonetheless. Every time the grief or depression rears its ugly head I have to choose to not pick it up again or sometimes lay it back down if I did pick it up again, because it is not mine anymore; it never really was to begin with. I will not choose to partner with it any longer.

I will now need to learn how to process and heal from this new loss in a healthy way and not fall back on what I know. I don’t yet know how that will look but I didn’t want to bottle it up or hide it from the world like I have in the past. So here I am walking through miscarriage and healing my motherhood. I pray that seeing or hearing about someone else walking through this will help even just one mother out there. This is not something you need to keep to yourself, you do not need to hide away until you’re able to be around others and not break down. You are not alone no matter how much it feels like it right now. 

So for those that struggle with this like I am, whether you’ve lost a baby/loved one, or you yearn to even just be able to conceive, or you cope by shutting your emotions off, or depression is encircling you and you cannot see a light, I promise you it is there. Keep looking. Look for the helpers, they are truly everywhere. Share what you’re going through with someone, even if you’re just saying it out loud to God. He will send someone to cross your path to help you! Reach out to me if you feel like you don’t have anyone else.

I had previously learned that with each pregnancy we lose about 10% of the minerals in our body. Even though I know being only a month in my body would not be depleted as much. I have noticed severe fatigue, little to no energy in the middle of the day, along with a myriad of other things off with my body. I started taking a beef liver supplement and within a couple days I started to notice the fatigue lightening and I have more energy throughout the day. I’ve also been trying to drink at least 1 adrenal cocktail a day; usually orange juice, coconut water, and a pinch of icelandic flake salt. I’ve also been really focusing on getting enough food during the day, as a mother of a toddler that is constantly on the move it can be hard to focus on getting the sustenance my body needs. I used Rael organic cotton cover pads, which to be completely honest they are the only pads I’ve tried out of a dozen brands that doesn’t cause irritation down there by the end of my period. So wearing them during this time has been so helpful with the bleeding lasting longer than a period. If I had been further along I would have taken Milk Moon Postpartum Tonic to help replenish vitamins and minerals as well as support hormones. I also started taking artichoke extract because I have a fibroid in my uterus, which can be caused by estrogen dominance. Artichoke extract helps detox excess estrogen. When on my period and the days leading up to ovulation I will be using a castor oil pack over my pelvis.

On top of everything I’m doing for my body I’ve been taking time each day to thank God for the good in my life. It has helped me to focus on those good things. I’ve been journaling when I have a particularly rough day. Getting all my thoughts and emotions out on paper has always helped me to process and cope, and it’s a healthy processing and coping mechanism that I would like to reinforce. 

Hopefully in a few months I’ll be able to get on here and announce a pregnancy, until then thank you and follow along on my homemaking journey.